Solstice

I'm about to go see someone whom I haven't seen or spoken to in several weeks. She has a good heart, and lives life freely, with no ill intentions. Too bad that I'm going to stir her emotions and shatter her dream. Several months have passed since we've come to a mutual conclusion, and let others know that we have been “seeing” each other. But the flirting and awkwardness –you know, that good kind of awkwardness, where you feel slightly embarrassed after doing something that came so naturally; but really, you're happy you did it– is gone, or maybe it was never there. She doesn't pull me anymore, like she used to, or, I thought she did – or maybe its me. Whatever the case, I felt trapped; but not imprisoned. She gives me full liberty of what I can do, truly a man's dream woman, never really complained or bore me with lengthy stories about her trip to the mall and what she bought, or how her friends and herself think some Hollywood meat is so salivating – but she was still a girl.

A girl who doesn't really know what she truly wanted, and just took what fell for her advances. She is a girl, naïve in her ways of keeping men – or a single boy. Never once did she try to open up, and let a stranger into her world. Always quiet, never really expressing her emotions with words or actions, everything was subtle. The only form of insight came from observing the way she carried herself when she walked, the silly giggle she would make at things she found absurd and disapproved of, the grin she would make disapproving of my “advances”, and her calm smile which she sometimes hides behind. But none of these provided any depth, giving nothing more than a person shielding herself from the world. Or maybe it was just me.

Maybe it was me who didn't open up, maybe it was me who lost patience and then locked her out. Maybe she grew disinterested in me. I never asked, since I was the bringer of bad news. Ironically its a beautiful day, the birds are chirping, kids are playing and the weather isn't that humid, just warm and great. Too bad shes about to feel her heart sink, on such a beautiful day. I guess the setting is perfect, as life goes on even when things fail miserably.

Walking up her house's stoop and then waiting for her to open the door, not once does the thought of not ending it ever cross my mind; I am purely focused on the task at hand. Even as I see past her traditional calm smile, I do not see any signs of worry. Truly, I was hoping for hell, rage and anger. But sadly, I knew she wouldn't give me any. I get nothing but a happy face – shes just happy to see me.

Somehow we are at a public park near her home, kids are playing on the playground set near by, and the water fountain for kids to play in is spraying water all over the ground – such a waste. Sitting on the bench under a nice and shady tree, with a cool summer breeze drifting by, I broke it. Of course shes crying, I just shattered a dream. As she tries to compose herself, she tells me to leave. I try, a bit, to stay and console her, but she doesn't want any of it. So I left, indifferent – neither relived or guilty, just indifferent.