Panel 1: A view from above of an old car on a long stretch of desert road. There are no streetlights. It is late at night and the only distinct object as far as the eye can see is the glow of road in front of the car. It is a cloudy night, a starless night.
Text: The middle of nowhere...
Panel 2: An image of a man driving the car, both hands on the wheel. He has stubble on his face, apparently not shaved for days. Eyes bloodshot, clenching a cigarette in his teeth he looks nervous.
Narrator thought: “I wonder what happened to the rest of them.”
Panel 3: An image of his hand changing the dial on an old car radio.
Sound bubble: >STATIC<
Panel 4: View of the narrator pounding his fist on the dashboard.
Spiked speech bubble: “Piece of fucking junk!”
Panel 5: Shot of his face in the rear view mirror, checking behind him, wiping the sweat from his brow.
Succession of 4 smaller panels: (outside view of car) It begins to rain; by the last panel the rain has nearly blocked out the view of the car.
Panel 6: Inside the car, the narrator puts his hand on a bag at his side. The bag has old bloodstains on it.
Panel 7: Once again he looks in the rear view mirror, checking behind him.
Narrator thought: “Still nobody...The bastards.”
Panel 8: An image of a sign on the side of the road reading, “Reno – 100 miles; Motel - 5 miles”.
Narrator thought: “I can't see shit! Just for a little while.”
Panel 9: The car pulls into a lit and empty parking lot. Neon sign reads, “ OTEL”.
Panel 10: Running from his car to the Motel lobby, he covers his head with a newspaper, lugging the full bag in his left arm.
Panel 11: Image of narrator's hand ringing the bell at the front desk.
Sound: >Ding...Ding<
Panel 12: An angry-looking old man standing at the front desk.
Old man: “What'll it be?”
Panel 13: View of narrator, apparently dripping, soaked from the short trip from the car to the lobby.
Narrator: “Just give me whatever you got old man. How much?”
Panel 14: The face of the angry old man.
Old man: “$49 bucks for the night, plus tax. You have to pay upfront. I don't need anymore deadbeats or ditchers!”
Narrator: “Ok old man, relax.”
Panel 15: Image of the transaction of money and room key (Room #13 on key tag).
Panel 16: The narrator glances at the room key number nervously.
Narrator: “Can I get a different room please?”
Panel 17: Back of old man facing wall grabbing the key to room #66.
Old man thought: “Damn junkies.”
Panel 18: Old man holding the room key looking confused, as the narrator has vanished.
Panel 19:Soaked, the narrator anxiously lights a cigarette in his car.
(three small successive panels)
Panel 20: He looks down at the bag.
Panel 21: He opens the bag, looking down into it.
Panel 22: He closes the bag as soon as he recognizes what is inside, looking forward nervously.
Narrator: “The bastards...”
Panel 23: He looks nervously in his rearview, wiping the sweat from his brow once again.
Panel 24: He pulls his car out of the light of the parking lot to an empty plot of land behind the “OTEL”.
Panel 25: In apparent darkness, the light of his drag on the cigarette illuminates his face, glancing in his rearview one last time. For apparent safety measures.
Panel 26: Reclining the front seat. A view from the ceiling of the car looking down on the nervous narrator.
Narrator thought: “How did it go wrong?...Was there a mole in the group?...It had to be a setup...Where the hell am I?...Where am I going?...Do the bastards know I have it?...They must be following me...I have to keep going (the text gets smaller and smaller as the narrator falls asleep).
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Great. An admirable use of just images to tell your story. Fits with the noir thing very well, very cinematic, very easy to visualize in dark black and white with almost no grey (at least the way I see it). Still could use a bit more length, I would think. The final narration (which could just as easily come at the beginning) doesn't necessarily tie up the business with the keys, and so I feel that the supernatural element is still unresolved. But as a start to a longer noir comic in the vein of Frank Miller's Sin City, it is working very very well.
ReplyDeleteThe keys were to just show how overly paranoid the man had become with his possessions, and how that emotion can take over rational thinking. Not so much supernatural, as it was superstition. The darkness I was aiming at you seem to have felt though. I was trying to leave this open to the reader's interpretation, as to what was in the bag, how he had obtained it, and who might be looking for it. I felt that with a piece so short it would be easier to be more vague than to create specifics. Thanks for the input!
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