Scene-
It was past seven o’clock in the evening when Shirley stepped into her into her silver BMW. She put her seatbelt on and then put her car’s key in the ignition and sped off St. Johns Hospital’s parking lot. She hated the being there. She hated the hospital smell, the colors of the walls, and the waiting. But since she was pregnant and her doctor was affiliated with St. Johns she spent a lot of time there. At least her doctor was on the better side of the hospital. Today she had gone there for an entirely different reason though. She was so anxious and excited to get home to tell her husband, Justin the happy result s. She had made a mistake of sleeping with Justin’s brother, Jeremy and was unsure who fathered her unborn child. She thought to herself what a terrible mistake she has made especially when she known that Jeremy had always been jealous of his older brother Justin because he had abandoned by his mother when he was a baby. Justin had gotten the privilege to grow up with their mother. They actually had a good relationship until she passed away from cancer. Jeremy hated him for that and wanted to make Justin’s life miserable like his. He decided to ruin Justin’s marriage by sleeping with her and he had the nerve to tell him about it and that he was in fact the father of the unborn baby. The more she thought about it the angrier she got. He used me and I fell for his trap because I was lonely. She began to increase the speed of the car. She was now driving 70 mph through the dark roads.
She decided to call Jeremy. She takes her cell phone from her purse and starts dialing his number. The phone kept ringing then it went to voicemail. “You have reached Jeremy. I’m either away from my phone or on another call please leave a short message and I will return your call as soon as possible. (Beep)” “It’s Shirley I just wanted to let you know I got the results of the amino and I’m so glad to say that you are not the father of my baby. With that I want you out of my life. I don’t want to ever see or speak to you ever. So continue on with your miserable existence elsewhere.” She hung up the phone call and let out a huge sigh of relief. She started to reach for her purse to put her phone away when she looked up onto the road and she let out a hurling scream. She quickly swerved to the right to avoid hitting the car coming straight into her. She thought to herself please don’t let my baby die or me!! Please god!! She pressed her foot on the brake pedal so hard but it was too late she went into the woods and hit the trees. The air bag popped out and knocked her unconscious.
The driver that had a near head on collision with her called 911. “Help! Please send help! I almost hit a car but the driver avoided me! They managed swerved away into the woods!” “Please calm down and tell me where you are?” the operator said.” “I’m on Clearview Road” “Okay help will be arriving soon please stay put” the operator said. The police and paramedic arrived to the scenes within minutes. They took Shirley out of the car. She was still unconscious. They took her to the nearest hospital, which happened to be St. Johns Hospital.
Lovely irony in the last line. After the opening, which is very precise and detailed, it starts to shift into summary pretty quickly no? I'm thinking about the story as a whole, and how much drama you've already given out here. Once you tell us all that background, is there enough drama left to move forward with, or would that backstory be better given to us in increments as your story goes on? And the drama of the final moment too--a lot happens in this scene. Perhaps too much?
ReplyDelete