Plot Outline:
Dan and Jill meet at a mall for the first time as introduced by Jill’s Uncle, Bill who is a friend of Dan’s family. Dan and Jill go to Bill’s house as guests and then go outside and walk around the neighborhood. After a few dates, Dan takes Jill to her residence in Or’Yehuda and commence into a conversation in the nearby park. The next day they went out and had originally planned to go to the Azrieli mall but cancelled it since the bus was not arriving so they ended up going around the stores in Lod. The next week they planned to go to the Tel-Aviv shores and returned back to Lod. After a couple of weeks, its time for Dan to go back to his country.
Major Characters (2):
Dan is twenty years old who is tall at five feet nine inches, has black hair neatly gelled back, green eyes and is moderately physically built. He has a high interest in learning about distant cultures and likes to go out into foreign urban cities. He likes organization and does not like plans that suddenly change. He finds himself to be stubborn which is one of his flaws. He loves jeans and likes to wear button down collar t-shirts.
Jill is seventeen years old, who is five feet six inches. She is sweet, caring and respects older people. She loves her family and would do anything in order to help them. She has tanned skin, long curly hair and has dimples on her cheeks. She is quiet and always has a smile on her face. Jill wears long sleeve shirts and skirts that pass the knees.
Scene:
Dan, Bill and his wife sit outside Bill’s courtyard in Lod. Bill’s house
is predominantly big in comparison to the residents around Lod. He has a brick layered Villa that has three floors including the basement which is a pretty big place to reside in Lod. Outdoors in his front-yard he grows fresh dark green plants that have a strong odor that give off a pleasant feeling to your senses when encountered closely. Bill’s car is parked in the driveway and his brand is a black early nineties Mercedes Benz that has tinted bullet proof windows. They sit in the backyard with plastic chairs and a table full of fruits. Bill inquires Dan “So, do you have a girlfriend yet?”. Dan responds “Not at this moment in time”. Bill continues “You wouldn’t refuse a young lady with Brazilian features now would you?”. That same evening, Bill decides to go to the Lod mall with his wife and asks Dan to come along without telling him that they are going to find Jill who works as a customer sales representative at a clothing store.
“All you got to say is if your interested or not” informs Bill to Dan. They drive up to the Lod mall and park on the street outside the parking lot. Dan exits the car and experiences the intense heat that targets his body as opposed to the air conditioned feeling in the automobile. Bill walks towards the mall’s entrance with a wide smile on his face along with his wife as Dan follows along. Jill is working inside the mall’s store where she is carrying a set of clothes with hangers and hangs the pieces to their appropriate section sizes. Jill sees her uncle and his wife outside the store who smile and wave their hands at her with Dan. As soon as she steps outside the store which is fifteen minutes into closing for the day, Dan witnesses a cute looking young lady gently walking out from the store smiling. Dan stood frozen for a while and was finally introduced to her by Bill “Dan this is Jill”. Dan replies in Jill’s direction “Nice to meet you” in a handshake and Jill responds “A pleasure”.
Bill invites Jill to his house and offers to take her home afterwards in which she could not refuse. They all step outside the dark urban streets with streetlights giving off some sort of glowing light to the streets and still Dan perceives the darkness and the humidity a beautiful environment to be in especially as he is walking with Jill following Bill towards the parked car. Bill turns on the ignition and they take off through the partially empty traffic for a relaxed fifteen minutes until they reach the villa. Bill’s daughter, Laura is already home from work at this time who shows signs of exhaustion in the face due to the heat from outside. Laura knew that company was coming and so she neatly set up the living room table with a teapot that’s filled with boiled green tea, chocolate, fresh delicious fruits that range from watermelon, grapes, sabra fruit, melon and other exotic fruits foreign to Dan’s taste buds. Laura can hear the car arriving into the driveway shortly after she finished placing the tea cups and napkins on the table. She runs to the door and greets her family inside. Dan enters the living room and finds himself to be surrounded by quality hospitality.
He takes off his shoes and takes a seat by the table as Bill pours everyone tea. Shortly after they have this pleasant moment at the table, Dan and Jill decide to go outside and venture into the neighborhood to have some time of their own and be able to get to know each other better. Dan and Jill walk the sidewalks of Lod and enter a store in which Dan buys a fruit drink for the both of them. Dan chooses grapefruit and lime flavor. Jill doesn’t seem to be picky in which she likes to drink and ends up trying the lime flavor. “How is it?” Dan inquires hoping that the drink is not too citric. “Its sweet” she replies. Dan is relieved. They walk and they talk about what’s on their minds which revolves around school, education, jobs, prospective careers and their families. “Do you miss your family?” Jill asks. “Yes and No” answers Dan. “I really needed this vacation and hopefully they needed a vacation from me” Dan continues. Jill laughs.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
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Very nice detail throughout--though at times perhaps to a bit of a fault. I get so caught up in where they are driving and the description of the yard and the store where the girl works that I can't quite work out why, exactly, I'm being told those things. I wonder if that's because this 'scene' is really three (at the house, in the car, with the girl), and the first two don't have the dramatic tension the last does. Perhaps it would help to go back to those questions: what does the character want?
ReplyDeleteAs far as the writing goes, think about breaking things into shorter paragraphs (this might be an msword/blogger format problem). As here, where there should be break before 'that same evening': continues “You wouldn’t refuse a young lady with Brazilian features now would you?”. That same evening,
And also watch out for this sort of awkwardness:
Dan exits the car and experiences the intense heat that targets his body as opposed to the air conditioned feeling in the automobile.