Characters: Lise- a peasant farmer girl. Does not have a good reputation. Prefers peasant boys. She is 18 years old about 5 feet, four inches tall, she has long blonde hair. Dresses and looks like the St.Pauli girl. Very pretty, but also very uneducated.
Louis: An accomplished musician/composer. No too tall, about five feet, five inches. Dark and ruddy from walking in the sun every day. Somewhat pock-marked. Has a round face. Sometimes would have uncoiffed, uncut, uncombed hair, unshaven heavy beard, and his coat would be bulging with papers. His age is 20. He is very educated in the arts and literature and has a particular interest in politics.
Plot: 1. We meet and are introduced to Louis. We get his background info and establish his social class and standing.
2. Louis is seeking love/woman.
2. On his daily walks he comes across Lise.
3. One day gets courage to go up to her. Tells her his feelings, she reveals who she really is. Louis is confused/upset. A huge storm comes, he sits under a tree and wonders.
5. The next day Louis goes into town to pick up the latest book, he notices Lise’s father getting killed. Walks away as if nothing and skips his daily walk.
6. The next day Louis finds his way to Lise’s house. Since her father is not there she invites him in. They have sex. Louis conscience is catching up to him. He tells Lise what happened to her father. Lise kills Louis thinking that he killed her father so that he could sleep with her.
7. The next day Lise is back outside lustily yielding her pitchfork and hunting simple peasant boys.
It is another hot and humid day. The sun is blasting. Its heat shows no mercy for anything or anyone. The fish are dying in the local pond and the streets aren’t as crowded. Everybody rather stay home and not go out if they have no reason to. Louis although never skips out on his daily walk which helps his mind to relax and puts him at ease, but especially now when he has met Lise. She is the joy and motivation for his daily walks now. “Wow what a girl” he thought to himself. “I must go out now before its too late and she is going hide herself from me”. Louis grabbed his coat and hat. He knew it was too hot for the coat but looking at the sky he observed clouds forming and figured that it would rain later. As he went out he rolled up his sleeves and let his white handkerchief drag along the ground in his right hand. He reached the courtyard gate at once. For a moment he only observed. “Look at her, that giddy fair, standing on a hay cart, lustily yielding her fork amid her incessant laughter”. His passion for her grew more intense. He stood a while longer waiting for her to take note of him. At last she did.
“Is that you again, you ugly, half-mad beast?” she questioned him. “I see you here every day looking at me. You know if my father would see you he would throw you in the river”. Louis just stood taking in each word as if it was honey. “You know I am quite fond of you” he finally spoke his first words to her. “Is that right? How is it that a man such as yourself would like a girl like me, a farmer’s daughter?” Louis proceeded to put his hand on the gate to open it. But he quickly paused himself as if not to scare her. “Oh really, is that so. You want to come in?” Her smile made her look even more lustily then did her pitchfork. Louis figured that he has nothing to lose and he proceeded into the courtyard. Lise approached him. Their faces got closer together and the hot breath they gave out made the day even hotter. “But you know something” she said with a grin. “My taste runs more towards peasant boys”. Louis stood there confused. He wasn’t sure if this was a form of rejection or a form of insult. “Well I’m sure you based on your reputation around town.” At this he looked her over again. Her white blouse was whiter then snow, her black girdle made her look even more sensuous, and the red skirt, which just barely reached her knees, made him want her even more. “So are you just going to stand there and keep starring?” Louis felt the need to retract, to walk out and to close the gate behind him. He did. “Well if you change your mind I will be here morrow and the day after that, and the day after that” she yelled as he was slowly walking away with his back turned. “My father will be out of town next week maybe then you may have me” she continued to yell. Louis just kept on walking thinking about what had just happened. Is at love at first sight or is it lust at first sight? He wondered. As the clouds got more attached to each other and connected to form a gray blanket over the land a huge deluge of a storm came. Louis quickly put his coat on and ran to the nearest tree to hide. As he sat and listened to the sounds of the rain he wondered what his walk tomorrow would bring him.
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Looking forward to seeing this in full draft. At first it seemed to me that the plot might be thin (apart from section 6 not much happens), but when I see the style of the excerpt I see how it could work. Perhaps it's a matter of the blog format, but you might want to work on working that into discrete paragraphs, which will clarify the action, and help with the tendency toward description that muffles the action a bit.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence lacks the idea of plunging the reader into the story. You might want to think of a different sentence. The plot feels like a western story. You should also put more detail into the surroundings such as the setting. Ofcourse, you can set any thematic location.
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