One can realize who is a real friend and who isn’t through a person’s action. I learned who my best friend really is last summer on July 3rd, 2008 in the afternoon during a dance practice for another friends wedding. Me, my best friend Julie*, and Stephanie* were practicing at Stephanie’s house when Stephanie and I wanted to try a different location for practice, the park. Julie started to whine saying that it was too hot and that she did not want to dance outside on the grass. We told her to give it a chance. She saw that we would not drop the idea and sulked about it. Julie is the type of person who always wants things her own way and did not give others a chance to have their ideas expressed or used. Before leaving for the park, Julie wanted a coffee which we went to buy. Stephanie and I bought water bottles instead of coffee. As soon as we arrived at the park, Julie started whining and would not even try to dance at the park. Stephanie and I noticed that there is no point in trying to stay and decided to leave. Julie and I had been best friends for over six years. We always joked and played around as if we were still kids. Jokingly that day in the park, I took my bottle of water and pretended to throw it at her. She said don’t do it, but I took it as a joke like usual. I playfully splashed the water on her back. Stephanie apparently got mad, turned around, came towards me with her hot coffee, and poured it down my neck and back. Stephanie stood to the side, stunned. I stood frozen in time thinking “what just happened, why would my best friend do this, even if she was mad”?
After my so-called-best friend poured the coffee, she walked towards the car to leave the park. I started walking also, with tears at the corner of my eyes. I was not physically hurt, but I was hurt at the fact that she would do such a thing and that my other friend is witnessing this event. I was embarrassed. Stephanie asked me if I was alright and if I was burned. I told her I was alright, but honestly I can not remember if it really was hot. When the three of us had gotten to the car, Julie tried to dry her shirt that water by fanning it. She was being such a b**** that she started complaining she was wet and that she is considered as a bad person for doing what she called an “automatic response”. As we sat inside the car and she started to drive, I told her she can drop me home so that I would change my shirt to come back to practice at Stephanie’s house. Did I go back that day? Of course not. Since the wedding was coming up soon, I still went to the remaining practices. I didn’t talk to Julie unless it was necessary. Our other friends started to notice the change because I was not hanging out with Julie as much as I used to. When I told them the reason and they questioned her about it, she replied them with the answer “it was a reflex, if you had something in your hand, you would have done the same thing”. Everyone scolded her which made her mad because she felt everyone was on my side. Julie didn’t understand the fact that the action she committed was wrong.
What was significant about this incident is that I have always let people get away with things they say or do with or around me. I do not make a big deal with things. My ex-best friend always tried to control what I did. But after that day last year, I cut our friendship off. Today I only talk to her if it is necessary or if I she is in front of me. I have changed who I am as well because I do not let any one walk over me. Over the past year I have grown more as an individual being. I learned that I should not let people have their way all the time and that if I do, eventually they get used to it and won’t listen to someone else’s voice. This was a significant day in my life because I learned who Julie really is after six years. I could not trust her or be her best friend anymore. I felt that what she did was wrong and she never apologized for it. I will always remember what she said, “I will not apologize for something that I did as a reflex, anyone would have done the same”.
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3. Present Tense
You have content, just make it fit those two constraints.
Also you don't need to put stars after the names, and who censors in college? Just write out "bitch"
The way you address yourself and this Stephanie, is very repetitive. In the story Stephanie is your friend, but she has no other purpose. You do not mention any description for her, making her very flat. You only need to mention her name once, or twice to establish that you and her are a group, allowing you to refer to yourself and Stephanie with “we” or “us”. This will still allow for the “we” vs Julie setting.
The transition between the first and second paragraphs also feels like it isn't natural. I understand that you want to link the two paragraphs with the coffee scene, but there is a better way. By fitting this piece into the two constraints, the better way should come easily.
The last paragraph feels forced, as if the point of the story is forcefully coerced out, instead of allowing the reader to materialize it naturally.
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You can open it with: “My best friend Julie, and Stephanie and I are practicing for a [traditional?] wedding dance, at Stephanie’s house. I'm growing tired of practicing here...”
add stuff, like why you wanted to move locations, and how did Stephanie agree or how did you propose the change... but just have it flow.
The date in the introduction makes it hard to put it in present tense, you don't need to include it, or if you want, just put it as a sub title.
-b
Good work--as I said in class, the last paragraph strains toward summing up a bit, but I think the overall aim (a moment of transition for a narrator who feels that she's never stood up for herself), is the right one. I still think I would suggest, then, starting with something that would illustrate that, rather than the 'editorial' first line and opening moments, which set the reader off in another direction. Focusing that way, and on detail, would help bring the piece's strengths forward, I think.
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