La, la, la, la. Na, na, na. Louis went on humming to himself. He was humming incoherent melodies. Melodies that did not make sense, but were his song. He walked over to his piano and banged out couple of chords at which the landlord went up to knock on his apartment door.
“You ape when are you going to move out?”
“La La La La” Louis went on.
“Rent is due, the place is a filth, and you make to much noise. People complain. I am loosing tenants because of you…” A soon as Louis noticed him he just shouted louder and louder. As if trying to overpower him and drown him out. The landlord eventually gave up, shut the door and left Louis in his madness.
After scribbling a few measures on the wall Louis threw his pencil across the room. He grabbed his coat and left. The coat was still damp from the storm that had caught him the other day and was catching a moldy odor. As he went through the streets he kept on humming at full volume. People stopped to look and laugh.
“Is that him?”
“No it can’t be!”
“What, can’t you recognize him? It surely is!”
“I only wonder what is going through his head.”
No one knew what he was thinking, but only he himself.
“She is waiting and waiting only for me. Her father…oh her father how do I tell her?” Louis thought along his walk. Once he reached the meadow he sat by the brook, under the shield of a tree. He takes out a paper from his pocket and starts to write. In his in search for words he observes the dew sparkling on the grass. He sees a shepherd guiding his herd, ringing his bell. The flowers releasing their fragrance make for a beautiful day. As he sits in this quite and abandoned place his heart starts to mourn and a tear forms in his eye. He writes. As the tear escapes a lark seems to respond by flapping his wings. It seems to be singing his song as it flies of, taking it up into the sky. Louis quickly puts himself together, puts the letter into his pocket, gets up and proceeds through the meadow towards Lisa’s house. As he arrives he is greeted with a hug and a kiss. Immediately without any words Lisa and Louis work their way into the bedroom. The clothes come off in pieces and perfectly timed intervals. Their feelings are consummated. Louis realizes that he must tell her. Tell her what he saw yesterday.
“Lise”
“Yes, are you thirsty?” she asks.
“I went to town yesterday. To the bookstore and…you father”
“Oh did he finally run into you? What did he say?”
“As I left the store he turned his back and I mine…”
“That’s it? What did he tell you, I know he is extremely angry with you coming by our house?”
“I felt the need to talk to him so I turned around and saw three men grabbing him, and they all scuffled. After it was all over he was just there, lying on the ground in a pool of blood, motionless, dead.” Lise’s face sank in horror, anger, and fear. She got up and without even putting her clothes on ran out. Louis yelled for her to stop and come back. She did. She returned with her pitchfork.
“No, stop, you don’t understand I coul…” he could not finish due to the pounding he was receiving from Lise.
“You fool, you half mad beast how could you. How could you let that happen?”
“I didn’t…”
“You saw my father get killed and you did nothing.” She no longer could contain herself and stabbed him. Louis drew his last breath as one of Lisa’s breasts hit his cheek. Once it was over Lise sat, put the fork down, and tried to catch her breath. She glanced towards the corner. She noticed his coat. She noticed the pockets bulging with papers. Curious at what they were and if they could benefit her she went to get them. She found a letter addressed to her. She opened it and proceeded to read it.
“My angel, my all, my other self…I am bound to be misunderstood…” started the letter. Lise started to put her clothes back on. Looked out the window. Heard a lark. Went out side with the letter.
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I thought I'd start the comments off by posing a few questions for us to discuss:
ReplyDelete-how is the scene working according to the 'rules' we talked about last week (that is, what does the character want, what is stopping him, how is it resolved, etc).
-is this character insane--how is the author portraying that or not? Would a different narration or moments of interior monologue help us get a read on his sanity/insanity?
-is the ending clear? that is--the pitchfork, the short excerpt from the letter, etc.
-other sentence to sentence issues? Lines that could be reworked? I suggest that 'No one knew what he was thinking, but only he himself' is self-evident, for example. Unless there are telepaths out there.
And of course let's hear your general reactions, other questions you have for the author, etc.
Louis wants to get laid. What has stopped him is that he told Lise about her father's death which ultimately ended Louis' life. What's unclear or rather missing is how does Lise get rid of Louis' body? Are there any consequences for this action? Now that Louis is dead, it's either that the story is over, or the author has managed to emphasize that Lise is the main character. Lise is ignorant, she thinks she can get away with killing Louis. It's obvious that she'll get caught, because the nosy bystanders have witnessed Louis walking in the streets and somehow they will notice that he is no longer around or something's fishy.
ReplyDeleteIt's obvious that Louis is a musician who also needs exterior resources to become more acquainted with his melody, moreover Louis needs freedom to be outside to clear his thoughts from his musical notes. The people outside think he's crazy but it is more of a matter of them not actually realizing what his occupation is. The letter attempted to change Lise's state of mind in having some sort of affection towards Louis in terms of attraction towards him. The ending is not that clear yet, as to what will Lise do with the letter.
Since this is a draft of your scene, you need to work more on your grammar. For example “I am loosing tenants because of you…” - if this is a typo, I don’t blame you. You, as the author should put in some more detail as to why the three men have murdered her father. Overall, There is substantial dialogue in your scene.
after reading both, i know where this fits, and it does seem to work into the outline. but as i'm missing the parts in between it feels fragmented. and sometimes i am a bit lost.
ReplyDeleteit could be due to formatting, but i think it should work well.
Ariel,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments. Yes the scene and perhaps the current situation is a bit unclear. This is due to the fact that yes it is a draft and it is neither the beginning nor the end. Most of the grammatical errors and sentence structures are intentional. Just to 'stand out', or be different in their own way and style, but I am not using that as an excuse for my occasional typos and REAL grammar errors. I really appreciate your suggestions for development since those had never crossed my mind. I will definitely try to work them in because I feel that they are essential for making it a better work. Thanks for your time and really helpful comments.
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ReplyDeleteBrian
ReplyDeleteYes the formatting is a pain in the ass it looks one way in Word and another here. I do admit that the whole story seems fragmented. For me it is still a draft in progress. But hopefully I will manage to make it work and read smoothly
I think Louis truly wants to have a deeper relationship with Lise--not just a sexual fling. His setback seems to be her preference of peasant boys. Ther is also the fact that her father seems to frown on their friendship and this seems to intimidate Louis.
ReplyDeleteSince she killed Louis, who I thought was the main character, I don't think for this scene his needs/goals will be resolved. Unless, it was resolved when thy had sex...but again, the sex is, for me, just one aspect of what he wants to share with her.
I don't see Louis as insane but rather as being attuned to his artistic side...a side tha most "ordinary" people are unable to relate to/appreciate until the final product is revealed. "He was humming melodies that did not make sense" and at the brook " he takes out a paper and starts to write." This is one technique that writers in general employ when getting their thoughts together. After all, he is a musician.
I like the way how nature seems to corporate with Louis' emotions/mood.
I found it humorous that Lise was so upset that Louis did not help her father that she ran outside naked to get her pitchfork and only remembered to put them on after she had killed him.
I too am curious as to why her father was murdered.
Just to clear Mike--you say the scene isn't the beginning or the end. I thought the death meant it was the end of the story. Am I misunderstanding something?
ReplyDeleteOn Donna Wright, ("Ther is also the fact that her father seems to frown on their friendship and this seems to intimidate Louis".). Mike, you might also want to include why this is a major problem in the story. Are there any underlying causes for this. It's ironic why that is so since Louis is educated and has greater potential to be socioeconomically higher that the average peasant males.
ReplyDeleteProf. Henkle,
ReplyDeleteSorry for the confusion, but this was not meant to be the final scene of the story. I still plan, in the final scene, to reveal the contents of the letter and tie any loose ends that were intentionally unclear in prior scenes. Hopefully the final product will be coherent.
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ReplyDeleteDonna,
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail right on the head with the comment the he is attuned to his artistic side. That is exactly what I was aiming for. As they say there is a fine line between insanity and genius. Also the use of the nature was there to aid in creating that perception which you picked up on.
I enjoy the suspense, I am now dying to know what happens. Looking forward to the entire story Mike. The story was a little hard for me to follow but in your defense it's a small scene from the middle of your story. At this point I am not sure who plays the stronger role in the story Lisa or Louis. This does help the rest of us think about characters and the roles they play. I raise the question.....Is a story supposed to have a dominating character?
ReplyDeleteI felt I was able to imagine and or figure out Mike's direction from this excerpt and title - Louis goes on his routine walk - witnesses the death of his lover's father and the next day while coping with the stress goes to his lover's house and reveals to her what he saw. I like the element of wondering what's up with Louis while reading - and we find out he has witnessed this tragic event, he's not insane, he's just coping in a weird way I guess. The pitchfork was classic (I had to look it over twice to make sure I read it right) and I feel the letter is a good touch. I felt the details of the story placed me there and I was able to follow the events along in my head. The short sentence structure was fine, it could possibly reflect Louis' frame of mind. There's much more to know and left out but that's the result of reading one scene of a story. I'm interested in knowing what exactly happened.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Donna's comment on his insanity. If I am correct the story takes place in an earlier time. I get this from Lise's stature as a "peasant farmer". If this were true, I can agree that Louis' "insanity" is nothing more than the lack of the social herd to understand his artistic demeanor and habits. In the past, someone overtly artistic in a form unconventional to society's norm was definitely looked upon as strange. It makes Louis' an interesting and mysterious character, somewhat misunderstood by others. I think the writing itself in the story is done well, disregarding the small grammatical errors.
ReplyDeleteI'm noticing a few of you mentioning that certain lines or passages are 'hard to follow,' etc. Can we point to certain patterns and specific lines for Mike to think about that make it hard to follow? He has an especially difficult task in that he has an unstable main character and a narrator that's near to him, which means that the narration is going to pick up some of the insanity of the character, but the author still has to manage clarity for us. Tough to do. Any thoughts?
ReplyDeleteMarlie,
ReplyDeleteThanks. Yes this scene/story is hard to follow. I originally wanted to have more detail in each of the scenes. But I had to sacrifice some of them so that my 2 pages wouldn't turn into six. Hopefully in the final product everything will be smoother.
Efram,
ReplyDeleteI will try to make it more suspenseful. Following what Ariel had suggested will make for, what I think a good plot line.
Leland,
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely correct. This story does take place at an earlier time. Although I admit my grammar isn't the greatest most of it in this story is intentional. I sometimes want to state something in a particular way and use certain words in a certain order to make a statement. To me a sentence sometimes needs to be a statement which says something strong and powerful without having to worry about fragment, or a splice, or a whatever. For me a sentence with just two words works. Because it leaves the reader open to ambiguity and leaves them to think. Bringing them closer to the story by interacting with it, instead of just having everything spelled out for them. I am sure though that not a lot of people will agree, but I find it a nice writing strategy if you will
I was really into it until the guy dies! what happened there? The story kind of took a really sharp turn. I was left a bit confused. I just browsed through the comments and it seems like this isnt the beginning or the end of a story, but it seems that the protagonist was Louis, and then he dies, so I'm left wondering how the story is going to carry on after this. The scene in the garden where he takes out the letter was great, with all the detail, it seemed as though he was in his own little world for just a split second, I kind of felt reality slip for a minute. That was pretty cool that it happened right before he gets bashed to death by his lover, but I dont really understand how that plays into it all.
ReplyDeleteI read both scenes of the story. Louis seems very shy in first scene of the story. He walked away from Lise, who knew that he liked her. In this scene of the story he's the opposite of shy because this time he's past the talking and now goes straight into the sex. Especially when it should have been the other way around because what he had to say was so heartbreaking and tragic. I'm guessing time has passed since the first time he actually spoke to her. He seems to care about Lise because he was trying real hard to figure out a way to tell her about her dad. But at the same time he doesn't care about her because it's bad enough that he didn't do anything to help her dad but he waits a day later to tell her. It just continues to get worse because he satisfied his sexual needs before telling her. I think he's insane for even thinking he would get away with it.
ReplyDeleteIn the first two paragraphs of this scene I was a little confused because it seem like the landlord was outside the apartment knocking the door so when did he get in and shut the door? (I'm guessing apt because the landlord went up and knocked but it seems weird because the girl lives on a farm that he walks by everyday)
But other than that I'm still interested in reading the rest.
hey mike, as said in class.i liked this piece of writing. but was unclear if Louis was crazy to begin...also, it seemed as if Lise quickly and easily kills Louis,felt that should be built a little more..did she thrust the pitchfork repeatedly,once..but overall, the end was quite different,not a so-called happy end.
ReplyDelete